Off topic, but awesome

Breaking from the norm, here's pretty much the best song ever played, by Dave and Bela Fleck.
Almost as good as his version of #41 he did with Tim Reynolds.

A polite way to tell someone to quit their bitching

Our very reserved, quiet, friendly, and female staff accountant totally rocked Jeff the IT guy.

Jeff: Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I'm all achey, I feel like crap.
Tina (from another cubicle): I have Midol if you'd like.

Totally put in his place, Jeff skulked his way back to the IT room.

pwned.

Great line from flaming Trek legend

A line from the openly gay George Takei's response to Hardaway:

"We especially like your smooth, chocolate head, glazed in man-sweat"

Watch the movie

Professional Bio

During this concepting phase of a game, the dev team usually puts together documents outlining the team's strength's and weaknesses, and each team members bio. Most are lengthy, listing all their game creds, degrees, yadda yadda yadda. Here's the one my boss wrote for me:

Gary - Associate Producer
Gary holds a B.S. in Marketing from Bentley College. He joined the team in 2005 and despite his flagrant sense of humor he served with distinction on **** (2006) and various projects in development. Gary drinks tea from a gourd and harbors a fondness for stuffed squirrels.

Clearly I'm a rising star, such that my drinking habits and enjoyment of taxidermied mammals concludes my professional biography.

One bad Apple

In an odd parallel to current events of the last few years, a single maverick renegade has given a bad rap for an entire species. The following news story tells the tale of a rogue squirrel who terrorized a 777 flying between Tokyo and Dallas and wound up grounding the plane, and later being put to death.

Now all squirrels will be subject to racial profiling. Thanks a lot.

Original Article

Of Prostitutes and Business Cards

In Vegas, everywhere you go there are people handing out little cards advertising "strippers" that will come to your hotel within 20 minutes for 38-79$. What is great is that you can walk around all night just collecting these little gems and put together a nice little deck of cards. What can you do with these things? Everything!

You can hide them in peoples drawers in their kitchen, put them in their luggage so when they go through security at the airport the people find little pictures of naked hookers all over your stuff. You can blanket your friends bed with them when hes on the way home with his girlfriend.

Some more ideas:

• Put them in books at the library
• Go to the Baby Gap and put them in the pockets of the overalls
• Swap them out with someones real business cards
• Put them in the sandwiches next time your office orders lunch for everyone
• Inside pizza boxes!
• Go to a funeral and mix them in with the prayer cards (waiting to be struck by lightning after typing that...)
• Borrow someones wallet and put one next to all his credit cards and license.
• Stick one inside all the plastic bags at a grocery store.
  

Thats all I can really think of.
Right now I have a stack of about 300 just waiting to be used.

People are gullible

The other night at bowling I sneezed, and one guy bowling against us goes: "Ah, you have something?" to which I reply - "Yeah, Hepatitis".

He was like, "Really? In your nose?"

"Yeah, my nose has hepatitis. "

I give this guy credit in that he's much older, and comes from a generation where diseases weren't as hilarious as they are now. But this next example of my exploitation of gullibility is far more astounding:

Dan's Xmas party, December 2006. I'm chatting with 2 gentlemen, not much older than myself. Both college educated (now that i think of it, both were Holy Cross alum, like most of dan's friends).
We were talking about how cold it was out, and I proclaimed that I once got stuck in the cold myself, and was forced to sleep inside of a dead horse. I immediately recount the scene from Empire Strikes back where Han sticks Luke inside of a dead Tauntaun, switching out the names and replacing "Lightsaber" with "pocketknife", and "Hoth" with "Hubbardston, MA". These guys had been drinking, and followed the story intently, amazed at my story of survival. After the 8th time they said "Really? Wow! Really?" I yelled "No fucking way, are you kidding me? Do you really think I crawled inside of a horse to stay warm?"

I guess thats not that fair either, since they were kinda drunk. I'll try to remember more times that I've F'd with people's H's.

Initiate Radical Vertical Impact Simulation

Monday night Ryan and I were both home relatively early, so we decided to polish off the unopened 12 pack sitting idley in the kitchen. Watched Spies like us. Shelby came home from school and we tried to hide the fact we'd been drinking (realizing we were drinking fairly heavily for a monday evening), finished our beers behind pillows and hiding them under blankets. I got us busted by opening a fresh can behind the couch cushion. Theres nothing like that refreshing crack-shaaa when you open a can in a silent room.

Ate mexican today for lunch. During lunch we were passing a plate around, and a huge glass of icewater spilled its entire contents slowly into Dan's lap, to which he declared "Oh, thats cold". It was the high point of the day. He walked around like a piss covered toddler for the rest of the afternoon.

This week at work we started using a cool program, google sketchup to concept out ideas in 3D. It's like a very simple, free version of 3D studio Max. Fun stuff in the life of an exciting game developers workday.

Another movie that sucks

Ryan called this out as a garyism that was worth recording:

"I'd rather watch and AIDS patient die slowly than watch 'Save the Last Dance' ever again."

Julia stiles is a punched-in-the-face-while-being-gang-raped-by-a-gaggle-of-silverback-apes type of hot. Which isn't really that hot, at all.

Drew Barrymore sucks

I hate Drew Barrymore. She has done everything in her power to ruin my life.
She sucks:

1. Why are you in every stupid fucking movie that ever comes out?
2. Why do you hold so much power over my girlfriend? You make shitty movies that make her drool and make me barf.
   
3. You're ugly and 48 years old.
   
4. You're pale white and your face looks like a foot.
5. "Gary, take me to see that new shitty movie starring that fucking shit actress that you hate."- Shelby
6. You were almost kinda hot when i was in like 1st grade. eww.
7. Riding in cars with boys. WTF?
8. Oh my god, how could you hate Ever After. How about, it sucks?
9. Ok, how about this one. Adam Sandler is like, a millionaire, but can't get his money unless, he like, marries drew barrymore before he turns into a stapler, or something.
10. You have balls.

Good night.

Saturday update

Why did Helen Keller's dog jump off of a cliff?


You would too, if your name was Dehhhhhnleeenaaaahhhhhjbeeeh.

Na na na na na na na na bowling!

Every wednesday night i strap on a pair of white leather shoes, roll my equipment out of my trunk, and go bowling.
Dan and I are in a wed night classic league at Pro Lanes in Reading, MA. It's nice and close to our office. It's a pretty competitive league, with the league average hovering at around 210. Our averages hover much lower than that. These days I bowl about a 184 ave.

Anyhoo, its an interesting mix o folks at these lanes. Typically overweight, middle-aged, blue collar gents gather and for one night, are very good at something they do. Many sport sweet Roy Munsen combovers. Theres actually one guy who looks like a steamboat captain. They're my wednesday night champions. I think that would be a good title for a novel. The book sleeve would read something like "Wally and Pete are 54 years old. Twice divorced and overweight, they see no light at the end of the tunnel. But one night every week, under the bright bowling alley lights, they are 'Wednesday Night Champions'"

Our 3rd teammate is an interesting case study. He's actually younger than us, and not quite a fantastic bowler. He has so many things wrong with his mechanics that we wouldnt even know where to begin if we wanted to help coach him. He's a chatty little guy, who will often spurt out the most mundane and useless information thinkable. Last night, unprompted, he declared that today for lunch he had ate pasta - angel hair - in a white cheese sauce that his mother had prepared. This has no bearing on anything. He will often ask us what the bowling order for our team will be before we start, even though the order hasnt changed in the 6 months the league has been running. He informs us, weekly, of the specials that Market Basket has going on in the produce section. I think he may suffer from mild retardation.

I think i'm going to start posting real content to this blog- but i'm not really sure where to begin.