Dear Sister

Pleasant Surprise from last weekends SNL. Gotta love Imogen Heap's epic lyricism/mumbo jumbo.

Birds explode!

Today on my way into work this morning I saw a bird explode!

I was driving behind some dumb whore in a Lexus SUV, and I saw a bird swoop in from the sky and nail it in the windshield!
The bird exploded in a huge spray of feathers, similar to when Randy Johnson drilled a bird with a 96 MPH fastball back in the day.
It was awesome! The dumb bitch in the car, after realizing what happened, swerved about 5 seconds after the impact, then moved like 8 MPH until we made it to the next intersection. At the stoplight, the dim-witted sack of ovaries used about half of her tank of window washer fluid trying to get bird parts off her car, but all that did was make all the little feathers stick all up in her shit. I was yelling at the time out the window how fucking awesome that was, but I dont think she heard me.

Tenacious D - Pick Of Destiny

You could stop watching the movie after this point. But its awesome.

Hoodrat, Hoodrat, Hoochie Mama

I'd like to deeply thank my office-mate Snoop for introducing me to 2 Live Crew and their genius lyricism.
A heart-felt exerpt from their hit "Hoochie Mama":

[Verse 2: Fresh Kid Ice]
Hoe I love your big brown eyes
And the way you shake your thighs
Actin' like you're so damn cute
Let a real nigga just knock them boots
I don't need no confrontation
All I want is an ejaculation
'Cause I like them ghetto hoochies
Ones who like to pop that coochie
[Hoo wee!] Miami style!
Makin niggas smile, bitch get wild
'Cause freaky shit is what I like
and I love to see two bitches dyke
My favorite time is 69
Bitch you know it's hoochie time
Fuck what you heard and save the drama
All I want is my hoochie mama!

Beautiful.

It wasn't me, I swear

Twenty year old college sophomore John Harrison suffered a terrible shock over the weekend when he discovered that his long-time cyber girlfriend was actually a male in disguise. His girlfriend, who plays under the guise of Chelxai a night elf priest on the Emerald Dream roleplaying-PvP server in World of Warcraft, couldn't be reached for comment as of press time.

http://www.dailygaming.net/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=8

"early reports indicate that Harrison wasn't aware of the massive wang his girlfriend sported at any time during the courtship."

Ah, stories like these bring me back.

Come back with my dog, monkey

That is all.

RED RED WINE - (LIVE)

I was perusing YouTube on a typical monday evening after 3 Irish car bombs and a few beers, and after typing in "Redhead making out" into the search field, I came across this video. Instead of watchin a flame headed ho' making out with another chick, I enjoyed a nice Live performance of UB40. Such luck!

Go fuck a goat!

For those of you who have beentold repeatedly to "go fuck a goat".

Take that!

Turtle Power

I can't recall how many quarters I pumped into this damn game (or it's clone, the Simpsons arcade game). The bowling alley had both at some point.

I miss games that were this simple and pleasing. Fortunatley, this TMNT is now up on Xbox Live Arcade. Dan and I got to play it a month back (it was posted on the Dev network).

PS check out April's hot tits. (Yellow sideboob).

Cafeeeeeine

How much buzz is in your cola? See below.
Interesting info, especially when my office stocks like half of these things, and dorks love soda.



mg in a 12-ounce beverage

80- Red Bull (8.2 oz)
71.2- Jolt
55.5- Pepsi One
55- Mountain Dew
55- Mountain Dew Code Red
55- Diet Mountain Dew
54- Kick Citrus
52.8- Mellow Yellow
51- Surge
46.8- Tab
45.6- Diet Coke
44.4- Shasta Cola
44.4- Shasta Cherry Cola
44.4- Shasta Diet Cola
43- RC Cola
43- Diet RC
41- Dr. Pepper
41- Diet Dr. Pepper
41- Diet Sunkist Orange
40- Mr. Pibb
40- Sugar-Free Mr. Pibb
40- Red Flash
40- Sunkist Orange
40- Slim-Fast Cappuccino Delight Shake
39- Ruby Red
38- Storm
38- Big Red
37.5- Pepsi-Cola
37.5- Pepsi Twist
37.5- Diet Pepsi Jizz
36- Diet Pepsi
38- Wild Cherry Pepsi
36- Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi
36- Diet Pepsi Twist
36- Aspen
34- Coca-Cola Classic
34- Cherry Coke
34- Lemon Coke
34- Vanilla Coke
34- Diet Cherry Coke
31.5- Snapple Flavored Teas
30- Canada Dry Cola
29- A&W Creme Soda
26.5- Nestea Sweet Iced Tea
26- Nestea Unsweetened Iced Tea
23- Barq's Root Beer
22- A&W Diet Creme Soda
20- Slim-Fast Chocolate Flavors
12- Snapple Sweet Tea
9- Lipton Brisk, All Varieties
1.2- Canada Dry Diet Cola
0- Diet Rite Cola
0- Sprite
0- 7-Up
0- Mug Root Beer
0- Diet Barq's Root Beer
0- Sundrop Orange
0- Minute Maid Orange
0- A&W Root Beer
0- Slice
0- Sierra Mist
0- Fresca


Other Beverages

milligrams 8-ounce Beverage

115-175- Coffee, Drip
80-135 - Coffee, Brewed
100- Coffee, Espresso (2 ounces)
65-100- Coffee, Instant
47- Tea, iced
60- Tea, brewed, imported brands (avg.)
40- Tea, brewed, U.S. brands (avg.)
30- Tea, instant
15- Tea, green
14- Hot cocoa
4-Mar Coffee, Decaf, brewed
3-Feb Coffee, Decaf, instant

SOURCES: National Soft Drink Association, US Food and Drug Administration, Bunker and McWilliams, Pepsi, Slim-Fast.

David Hasselhoff - Du

This song makes me wet.

Perverted Justice! and online whoring

Watched NBC Dateline "to catch a predator" and it was very entertaining.

Premise: Dudes go online pretending to be 14 year old girls (o rly?) and chat it up with pederasses. The conversations are classic, such as "Oh baby i want to lay you out and **** the **** out of your **** while licking the **** from your **** then taking a **** on your ****." The guys would then send pictures of their wangs.

I find it hilarious that some old guy really thinks a cute little 14 year old girl is interested in them. And skanky enough to talk about ****ing their *****. I supposed i'm not suprised that people are this gullible, though. When I used to play WoW and Guild Wars, I always played a female character and fucked with horny dork's heads all the time, similar to what the cops to do pervs.

So in my own online endeavors, my character names varied, and always included some sort of perverted connotation. Such as "Hootie", "Phellashus", "Areola WideShaft" etc... I was usually a sexy elf or a big tittied mage or something.

Within a few days, I'd always have someone tell me "hey, ur hot" and "r u a real girl in rl?" to which I would reply "lol of course hehe".

My story was usually similar: 18 years old, college freshman. boobie size 32B (since i was always asked). I live in a dorm with my roommate who is bisexual. I recently broke up with my bf and have just been enjoying my freedom. I have long blonde hair and like to give my roommate back rubs before i go to bed. I am hot.

Constants: They all asked for my AIM/ICQ. They all gave me loads of free stuff in the game. They all wondered if I'd ever consider having an online boyfriend. They all invited me into their own guilds. "Do u evr get h0rny?" When I was around other guys, they'd make sure to PM me asking "is he bothering you?".

I wound up having multiple sugar daddies. It is really quite lucrative and adds greatly to the role playing experience.

Because we all know that real life sugar daddies take good care of their girlfriends (cough*WHORES).

Off topic, but awesome

Breaking from the norm, here's pretty much the best song ever played, by Dave and Bela Fleck.
Almost as good as his version of #41 he did with Tim Reynolds.

A polite way to tell someone to quit their bitching

Our very reserved, quiet, friendly, and female staff accountant totally rocked Jeff the IT guy.

Jeff: Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I'm all achey, I feel like crap.
Tina (from another cubicle): I have Midol if you'd like.

Totally put in his place, Jeff skulked his way back to the IT room.

pwned.

Great line from flaming Trek legend

A line from the openly gay George Takei's response to Hardaway:

"We especially like your smooth, chocolate head, glazed in man-sweat"

Watch the movie

Professional Bio

During this concepting phase of a game, the dev team usually puts together documents outlining the team's strength's and weaknesses, and each team members bio. Most are lengthy, listing all their game creds, degrees, yadda yadda yadda. Here's the one my boss wrote for me:

Gary - Associate Producer
Gary holds a B.S. in Marketing from Bentley College. He joined the team in 2005 and despite his flagrant sense of humor he served with distinction on **** (2006) and various projects in development. Gary drinks tea from a gourd and harbors a fondness for stuffed squirrels.

Clearly I'm a rising star, such that my drinking habits and enjoyment of taxidermied mammals concludes my professional biography.

One bad Apple

In an odd parallel to current events of the last few years, a single maverick renegade has given a bad rap for an entire species. The following news story tells the tale of a rogue squirrel who terrorized a 777 flying between Tokyo and Dallas and wound up grounding the plane, and later being put to death.

Now all squirrels will be subject to racial profiling. Thanks a lot.

Original Article

Of Prostitutes and Business Cards

In Vegas, everywhere you go there are people handing out little cards advertising "strippers" that will come to your hotel within 20 minutes for 38-79$. What is great is that you can walk around all night just collecting these little gems and put together a nice little deck of cards. What can you do with these things? Everything!

You can hide them in peoples drawers in their kitchen, put them in their luggage so when they go through security at the airport the people find little pictures of naked hookers all over your stuff. You can blanket your friends bed with them when hes on the way home with his girlfriend.

Some more ideas:

• Put them in books at the library
• Go to the Baby Gap and put them in the pockets of the overalls
• Swap them out with someones real business cards
• Put them in the sandwiches next time your office orders lunch for everyone
• Inside pizza boxes!
• Go to a funeral and mix them in with the prayer cards (waiting to be struck by lightning after typing that...)
• Borrow someones wallet and put one next to all his credit cards and license.
• Stick one inside all the plastic bags at a grocery store.
  

Thats all I can really think of.
Right now I have a stack of about 300 just waiting to be used.

People are gullible

The other night at bowling I sneezed, and one guy bowling against us goes: "Ah, you have something?" to which I reply - "Yeah, Hepatitis".

He was like, "Really? In your nose?"

"Yeah, my nose has hepatitis. "

I give this guy credit in that he's much older, and comes from a generation where diseases weren't as hilarious as they are now. But this next example of my exploitation of gullibility is far more astounding:

Dan's Xmas party, December 2006. I'm chatting with 2 gentlemen, not much older than myself. Both college educated (now that i think of it, both were Holy Cross alum, like most of dan's friends).
We were talking about how cold it was out, and I proclaimed that I once got stuck in the cold myself, and was forced to sleep inside of a dead horse. I immediately recount the scene from Empire Strikes back where Han sticks Luke inside of a dead Tauntaun, switching out the names and replacing "Lightsaber" with "pocketknife", and "Hoth" with "Hubbardston, MA". These guys had been drinking, and followed the story intently, amazed at my story of survival. After the 8th time they said "Really? Wow! Really?" I yelled "No fucking way, are you kidding me? Do you really think I crawled inside of a horse to stay warm?"

I guess thats not that fair either, since they were kinda drunk. I'll try to remember more times that I've F'd with people's H's.

Initiate Radical Vertical Impact Simulation

Monday night Ryan and I were both home relatively early, so we decided to polish off the unopened 12 pack sitting idley in the kitchen. Watched Spies like us. Shelby came home from school and we tried to hide the fact we'd been drinking (realizing we were drinking fairly heavily for a monday evening), finished our beers behind pillows and hiding them under blankets. I got us busted by opening a fresh can behind the couch cushion. Theres nothing like that refreshing crack-shaaa when you open a can in a silent room.

Ate mexican today for lunch. During lunch we were passing a plate around, and a huge glass of icewater spilled its entire contents slowly into Dan's lap, to which he declared "Oh, thats cold". It was the high point of the day. He walked around like a piss covered toddler for the rest of the afternoon.

This week at work we started using a cool program, google sketchup to concept out ideas in 3D. It's like a very simple, free version of 3D studio Max. Fun stuff in the life of an exciting game developers workday.

Another movie that sucks

Ryan called this out as a garyism that was worth recording:

"I'd rather watch and AIDS patient die slowly than watch 'Save the Last Dance' ever again."

Julia stiles is a punched-in-the-face-while-being-gang-raped-by-a-gaggle-of-silverback-apes type of hot. Which isn't really that hot, at all.

Drew Barrymore sucks

I hate Drew Barrymore. She has done everything in her power to ruin my life.
She sucks:

1. Why are you in every stupid fucking movie that ever comes out?
2. Why do you hold so much power over my girlfriend? You make shitty movies that make her drool and make me barf.
   
3. You're ugly and 48 years old.
   
4. You're pale white and your face looks like a foot.
5. "Gary, take me to see that new shitty movie starring that fucking shit actress that you hate."- Shelby
6. You were almost kinda hot when i was in like 1st grade. eww.
7. Riding in cars with boys. WTF?
8. Oh my god, how could you hate Ever After. How about, it sucks?
9. Ok, how about this one. Adam Sandler is like, a millionaire, but can't get his money unless, he like, marries drew barrymore before he turns into a stapler, or something.
10. You have balls.

Good night.

Saturday update

Why did Helen Keller's dog jump off of a cliff?


You would too, if your name was Dehhhhhnleeenaaaahhhhhjbeeeh.

Na na na na na na na na bowling!

Every wednesday night i strap on a pair of white leather shoes, roll my equipment out of my trunk, and go bowling.
Dan and I are in a wed night classic league at Pro Lanes in Reading, MA. It's nice and close to our office. It's a pretty competitive league, with the league average hovering at around 210. Our averages hover much lower than that. These days I bowl about a 184 ave.

Anyhoo, its an interesting mix o folks at these lanes. Typically overweight, middle-aged, blue collar gents gather and for one night, are very good at something they do. Many sport sweet Roy Munsen combovers. Theres actually one guy who looks like a steamboat captain. They're my wednesday night champions. I think that would be a good title for a novel. The book sleeve would read something like "Wally and Pete are 54 years old. Twice divorced and overweight, they see no light at the end of the tunnel. But one night every week, under the bright bowling alley lights, they are 'Wednesday Night Champions'"

Our 3rd teammate is an interesting case study. He's actually younger than us, and not quite a fantastic bowler. He has so many things wrong with his mechanics that we wouldnt even know where to begin if we wanted to help coach him. He's a chatty little guy, who will often spurt out the most mundane and useless information thinkable. Last night, unprompted, he declared that today for lunch he had ate pasta - angel hair - in a white cheese sauce that his mother had prepared. This has no bearing on anything. He will often ask us what the bowling order for our team will be before we start, even though the order hasnt changed in the 6 months the league has been running. He informs us, weekly, of the specials that Market Basket has going on in the produce section. I think he may suffer from mild retardation.

I think i'm going to start posting real content to this blog- but i'm not really sure where to begin.

What's in a name?

Probably should mention the origins of the "Out of Sync Squirrel" name for this blog.

The "Out of Sync Squirrel" is a small ceramic squirrel that I keep on my desk at work. From here on out, it shall be referred to as the OOSS.

To explore the origins of the OOSS, I need first to delve into a brief description where I work and some happenings that occurred.

I work at a small-medium game development studio in Andover, MA (about 20 mins north of Boston). On our most recent title which shipped at the end of last year, we had a sizable multiplayer component (play over LAN, GameSpy, or XboxLive). When developing and testing network code, the game will often crash due to the different players going "out of sync" with each other. These bugs are tricky to hunt down, as there are so many variables inherent with the testing of a multiplayer game (who was doing what, when, who has what connection type, etc...). When they are finally found, it takes a programmer some time to sort through all of the data from the QA testers and discover the source of the problem - then to fix the problem in code.
Now, i'm neither a QA tester or a programmer. I, for the most part, had little to do with this whole process. However, I noticed that one of our programmers, Gloria (one of the 3 female programmers in the world, by my understanding [name changed to protect the innocent]) was not having fun with all of the Sync issues that were coming her way. To cheer her up, I placed one of my ceramic squirrels on her desk, staring at her from above her monitor.

Gloria immediately took to the squirrel, assigning it tasks to aide her in her work, and the squirrel gradually became the greatest networking programming mammal known to man.

Nowadays, this squirrel rotates around the office, assisting wherever there are sync issues. The OOSS, and his little brother, the scheduling squirrel, are dear to our hearts at the office.

Why is this the name of my blog? Because it's a really cool name.

5 Reasons why I probably won't make a good blogger

Before making a blog, I made sure to remind myself that when it comes to activities outside of work, I rarely follow through on my undertakings. Look in my closet to find my Karate uniform, running shoes, electric guitar, croche needles, sketching pencils, etc... to see how well my hobbies fare.

Here's the top 5 reasons why I probably won't make a succesful blogger:

1. I'm at work too often - Working 9-6 seems to leave very little time at home. During this sparse time of apartment dwelling relaxation I have various distractions, which include..
   
2. Video-games. I own an Xbox360 and a Wii, with a GameFly account. Eesh.
3. TiVO. God damn discovery channel with its plethora of offerings that force me into season passes for stuff like MythBusters, Superweapons, and Dirty Jobs. Add that to my nightly simpsons, family guy, south park, and Seinfeld lineup. There's a lot of TV out there that needs to be watched.
4. The internets. Thats right, they're on computers now. Things like Digg and WikiPedia surfing eat up hours of my afternoons (and a decent chunk of my lunch hour at work).
   
5. The Bitches. Well, that is to say, women. Just one really. Shelby. She's very nice. She's a live-in.
   

So as one can infer from this list, I have very little time in which to devote to blogging. I'm also fairly lazy. My brain immediately shuts off the second I leave work, which for me is a luxury after being in school for 4 years and always having some assignment or project in to worry about. That's not to say I wasn't lazy in college, but I love not having to procrastinate in order to get free time.

So lets see how this goes. I'll probably post for a few weeks, then forget or stop caring. Who knows.

I'll try for now - spilling the contents of my brain when I get a chance.